My Distant Valentine

Valentine’s Day is a day to spend in the arms of the one you love. I wish so much that we could be together today, on this, our first Valentine’s Day, but even though we are apart, I know that our hearts are together always. The card you sent me is so very perfect, and it’s so sweet that you got it for me after you had already picked out a card because you saw it and thought “this is us”. Since it’s so perfect, I have inserted the quote from it here to save it for all time:

“The feelings I’m feeling right now
have kind of taken me by surprise.
I honestly didn’t see this coming,
this ‘me and you’,
but I can tell you
from the bottom of my heart,
I am so happy it came.
Being with you has brought
so much into my life –
wonderful things I didn’t even
know were missing.
Smiles that easily spill into laughter,
conversations that go longer,
deeper into the heart of things…
into our hearts.
I’m still surprised by
how you make me
happier every day…
amazed by the ways
you make me feel.
And you know what?
Those are the kind of surprises
I could get used to.”
– J. Gahr

I’m so very fortunate to have such a wonderful, loving, caring husband. Until I met you, I never knew that there was someone out there who could be so perfect for me, like we were made for each other. Our love is so strong, so pure, so true. The ring on my finger always makes me think of our vows to each other and the look of love on your face as you said them to me. When I’m with you everything is right in the world, the way it’s supposed to be; it’s a beautiful, calm, happy feeling.

Since finally meeting in person, missing you has become so much more intense, knowing for certain now how perfect we are together. But at the same time I cherish the memories of us together more than anything, every silly little detail – cute facial expressions you’re not even aware you make, our silly kisses, the warmth of your touch, the teardrop-shaped flecks of gold in your eyes that just don’t show up in photographs, hearing you breathe next to me in bed. And if I close my eyes for a few minutes and concentrate on picturing those moments in my mind in vivid detail, I can almost feel your presence for a fleeting instant…almost. I try to will you here with me, try to make the time pass faster. As I lie in bed awake at night talking to you as if you were here, I imagine that the power of our love is carrying my words to you and that on some subconscious level you feel the love I’m sending out to you in those moments. I wonder if I’m sleeping so much lately just to have moments with you, even if only in my dreams.

No matter the distance the between us, the length of the time we have to spend apart and the obstacles we need to overcome to be together, everyday I know deep in my heart that marrying you was the best decision I ever made. It’s difficult to get through these days apart, but our love will sustain us until we can be together. I know we both get so sad sometimes about being apart; the longing is so intense and seems unbearable at times, but it just shows how very much we love each other.

The past 7 months have gone by pretty fast really, so I can only hope the next 15 months go by just as fast and we can finally be together after nearly 2 years of waiting. Valentine’s Day 2015 is going to mean so much, to finally spend it together, where we belong! And then we will have many years of joyous togetherness, hopefully 50 or more Valentine’s Days together, and all the other days of the year too where will show each other love and affection every single day, because everyday is Valentine’s Day when I’m with you.

I love you so very much my forever Valentine! ♥

Death

There’s been too much of it lately to not think about it. Mortality is inevitable, but this limit is what makes life worth living. The finiteness of life is what makes time matter. The boundedness of our time on Earth is what makes every minute count.

“Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it.”
~ R.K. on Death, Our Lady Peace

I’ve thought about my own mortality many times of course, but more often than not it’s not fear-inducing or sad, it’s simply a fact of life. Why be sad about something you can’t change, especially when you won’t be around once it does occur? (if that makes sense) But I’m thinking about it differently now, in a way that makes me very sad. I’m thinking about the ‘what ifs’.

What if it had been you in that car that night? What if it had been you who decided to take that bottle of pills? I can’t imagine losing you already. I don’t want to imagine losing you ever!

Then I think of Mamak cursing and crying about Papak. Tears stream down my face as I realize that, whether it’s tomorrow or 60 years from now, the time will inevitably come when one of us loses the other, and the devastation that will cause, an emptiness that can never be filled. I cry just as much at the thought of you losing me as I do at the thought of me losing you. I lament my own mortality in a way I’ve never felt before, thinking of the pain you would feel. No matter what we do, no matter how much we love each other, no matter how much we want to be together forever, it just can’t happen. All we have is “so long as we both shall live”, “til death do us part”.

And here we are, waiting, apart, in two separate countries, while days and months of our lives tick by, not in each other’s arms, days we can never get back in our finite lives. I can only hope and pray that our days together will far outnumber our days apart. I cry about missing you all the time, but it’s such a profound sadness to think about losing you, to ponder the agonizing, unavoidable day when one of us is missing the other but knowing that we will never hold each other again.