My Distant Valentine

Valentine’s Day is a day to spend in the arms of the one you love. I wish so much that we could be together today, on this, our first Valentine’s Day, but even though we are apart, I know that our hearts are together always. The card you sent me is so very perfect, and it’s so sweet that you got it for me after you had already picked out a card because you saw it and thought “this is us”. Since it’s so perfect, I have inserted the quote from it here to save it for all time:

“The feelings I’m feeling right now
have kind of taken me by surprise.
I honestly didn’t see this coming,
this ‘me and you’,
but I can tell you
from the bottom of my heart,
I am so happy it came.
Being with you has brought
so much into my life –
wonderful things I didn’t even
know were missing.
Smiles that easily spill into laughter,
conversations that go longer,
deeper into the heart of things…
into our hearts.
I’m still surprised by
how you make me
happier every day…
amazed by the ways
you make me feel.
And you know what?
Those are the kind of surprises
I could get used to.”
– J. Gahr

I’m so very fortunate to have such a wonderful, loving, caring husband. Until I met you, I never knew that there was someone out there who could be so perfect for me, like we were made for each other. Our love is so strong, so pure, so true. The ring on my finger always makes me think of our vows to each other and the look of love on your face as you said them to me. When I’m with you everything is right in the world, the way it’s supposed to be; it’s a beautiful, calm, happy feeling.

Since finally meeting in person, missing you has become so much more intense, knowing for certain now how perfect we are together. But at the same time I cherish the memories of us together more than anything, every silly little detail – cute facial expressions you’re not even aware you make, our silly kisses, the warmth of your touch, the teardrop-shaped flecks of gold in your eyes that just don’t show up in photographs, hearing you breathe next to me in bed. And if I close my eyes for a few minutes and concentrate on picturing those moments in my mind in vivid detail, I can almost feel your presence for a fleeting instant…almost. I try to will you here with me, try to make the time pass faster. As I lie in bed awake at night talking to you as if you were here, I imagine that the power of our love is carrying my words to you and that on some subconscious level you feel the love I’m sending out to you in those moments. I wonder if I’m sleeping so much lately just to have moments with you, even if only in my dreams.

No matter the distance the between us, the length of the time we have to spend apart and the obstacles we need to overcome to be together, everyday I know deep in my heart that marrying you was the best decision I ever made. It’s difficult to get through these days apart, but our love will sustain us until we can be together. I know we both get so sad sometimes about being apart; the longing is so intense and seems unbearable at times, but it just shows how very much we love each other.

The past 7 months have gone by pretty fast really, so I can only hope the next 15 months go by just as fast and we can finally be together after nearly 2 years of waiting. Valentine’s Day 2015 is going to mean so much, to finally spend it together, where we belong! And then we will have many years of joyous togetherness, hopefully 50 or more Valentine’s Days together, and all the other days of the year too where will show each other love and affection every single day, because everyday is Valentine’s Day when I’m with you.

I love you so very much my forever Valentine! ♥

Death

There’s been too much of it lately to not think about it. Mortality is inevitable, but this limit is what makes life worth living. The finiteness of life is what makes time matter. The boundedness of our time on Earth is what makes every minute count.

“Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it.”
~ R.K. on Death, Our Lady Peace

I’ve thought about my own mortality many times of course, but more often than not it’s not fear-inducing or sad, it’s simply a fact of life. Why be sad about something you can’t change, especially when you won’t be around once it does occur? (if that makes sense) But I’m thinking about it differently now, in a way that makes me very sad. I’m thinking about the ‘what ifs’.

What if it had been you in that car that night? What if it had been you who decided to take that bottle of pills? I can’t imagine losing you already. I don’t want to imagine losing you ever!

Then I think of Mamak cursing and crying about Papak. Tears stream down my face as I realize that, whether it’s tomorrow or 60 years from now, the time will inevitably come when one of us loses the other, and the devastation that will cause, an emptiness that can never be filled. I cry just as much at the thought of you losing me as I do at the thought of me losing you. I lament my own mortality in a way I’ve never felt before, thinking of the pain you would feel. No matter what we do, no matter how much we love each other, no matter how much we want to be together forever, it just can’t happen. All we have is “so long as we both shall live”, “til death do us part”.

And here we are, waiting, apart, in two separate countries, while days and months of our lives tick by, not in each other’s arms, days we can never get back in our finite lives. I can only hope and pray that our days together will far outnumber our days apart. I cry about missing you all the time, but it’s such a profound sadness to think about losing you, to ponder the agonizing, unavoidable day when one of us is missing the other but knowing that we will never hold each other again.

A Message to Mark Zuckerberg

This is the message I sent Mark Zuckerberg on Facebook today:

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

I imagine you get hundreds, if not thousands, of messages each day, but I felt the need to write you a little thank note. I was recently married and it dawned on me today that were it not for you creating Facebook I would have never met my husband.

I joined Facebook in February 2007 and for years used it pretty much as I think you intended, to connect with friends, family and classmates, to share photos and keep up to date on other people’s lives. It quickly became the website I use more than any other. Then last spring I discovered Facebook groups as a place to meet people. I met so many great people, including my husband. Since he lives 450 miles away and across an international border (I’m in Canada, he’s in the US.), it is highly unlikely that we ever would have met otherwise. While we met and got married, we won’t be living together for more than a year due to immigration issues we need to work out, but we use Facebook on a daily basis to communicate; from first thing in the morning until late at night every single day, Facebook is where we share our love for each other and build our relationship. You brought me my soul mate Mr. Zuckerberg, and for that I will forever be grateful to you and to Facebook. Thank you!

Sincerely,

“Trinity”

The Speed of Time

Time is strange. Scientifically each second lasts long as the next and as the one before. No day is any longer than any other. But time only really matters in the way we experience it. Time can seem to move too fast sometimes and at other times painfully slow.

I have a love of numbers and counting, quite possibly of an obsessive-compulsive nature. I particularly like to count time. Time holds special meaning to me because I ‘see’ time through time-space synaesthesia. At any given time I can ‘feel’ and ‘see’ my precise location in space on the curves and slopes of my internal yearly calendar, on the span of time, and on the waves of the time of day. Even on this internal calendar not all time is created equal with some months being larger than others in space. Yet I like to count time as if by doing so I control the experience of it. I count minutes, hours, days, months, years. I count time elapsed, I count down time. I’ll even count seconds when I think it will make time pass more quickly. This assumes that time follows the scale and patterns dictated by the ticking of the clock, but it really does nothing to affect the speed of time in the manner I desire, be that to speed it up or slow it down, and it probably often has the opposite effect.

The 5 months we waited to meet felt like years as we got to know each other so well. Yet the minutes fly by when we talk on the phone. A 20 minute conversation with you feels like just a few minutes. When we talk for hours, it feels like an hour at the most. Waiting for you to come online or call sometimes feels like an eternity. Sometimes the passage of time can be agonizing.

We waited so long to meet and finally I arrived. The happiest moment in my life was stepping off that train and running into your arms. I can replay that moment in slow motion over and over again. I remember you leaning down trying to kiss me but I had to squeeze you first and hold you for a minute with my head buried in your chest before looking up at you and kissing you for the very first time. We spent 10 wonderful days and nights together, laughing, smiling, making love, holding each other, just looking at each other in disbelief that we were finally in each other’s presence. But before we knew it, it was over. We were husband and wife but we could no longer be together. Those were the fastest 10 days of my life! So many happy memories together, but it all ended way too fast! Even our goodbye seemed to happen so fast. The train pulled up, you helped me carry my luggage on, a quick hug and kiss and you were gone. While I can replay our meeting in slow motion, our goodbye flashes through my mind in an instant. And so began the long, sad train ride home. I cried and slept the whole way home. (Good thing I took that huge wad of kleenexs from your room before I left.) The all day journey seemed so much longer than on the way there when I was anticipating joy upon arrival. I no longer had anything to look forward to in the immediate future.

I longed for you before we even met. I knew it would get harder once we had finally been together and had to go back to being apart. What I didn’t anticipate is the feeling that time has practically ground to a hault. We’ve only been married for 13 days, but the last 8 of those have been spent apart. It feels like an eternity. Every second I long for you so deeply it physically hurts. Days are going by so slowly now, more slowly than I’ve ever experienced the passage of time. I had hoped that the next 16 months apart until we can finally be together forever would pass somewhat quickly, fueled by our memories of being together, but at this rate it feels like a lifetime until that day finally comes, a lifetime of tears and pain. I love you so much it hurts, and sometimes I don’t know how I’ll make it through to next spring when all I want is for you to be here right now, to hold you in my arms everyday, to fall asleep next to you each night, and to wake up next to you each and every morning for the rest of our lives. ♥

Tick………Tock……….Tick……….Tock

I wish I could speed up this clock.

Missing You

I missed you before I ever met you. Sounds impossible, I know. But since meeting you I miss you so much more. I now have all these memories, not just hopes and dreams, of time spent with you. So many little things we can’t do right now. I want to wake up next you everyday. I want to feel the sun on my face as I walk down the street holding your hand. I want to smell you as I close my eyes and go to sleep each night.

You are all I think about! Night and day! Our love is so perfect and so pure. I know we will make it through. I know we will never betray each other. I don’t worry about ever having any serious problems in our relationship, because I know we communicate so well and will maturely work out any differences we may have.

But I just can’t stop missing you! I can’t stop wishing you were here right now. I can’t stop wishing there was a way we could be together sooner or see each other more often. It’s only been 5 days since I left you, but it feels like so much longer than the ten days we spent together! Why do the happy times have to go so fast and the times of longing seem so long?

I feel so lucky that we found each other. I truly believe you to be my soul mate. We will pass this test of time and distance. ♥